Heartbreak is a triple loss At first, the physical absence of the partner seems like the only cause of our suffering and one is under the illusion that if he or she would only come back, all would be fine again. It is truly an illusion because there are three absentees in the drama of heartbreak. The first is the beloved, and even if that person were to come back, the second, the person you were with the beloved, and the third, the person you were for the beloved, are never coming back. This triple loss explains the loss of a sense of identity. Individuals suffering heartbreak have nightmares of losing their nametag, passport, car keys, of being lost in a strange city, of walking in a cemetery and reading their name on a funeral monument, of having no voice, no head, no body, of coming to work and somebody else's name is on the door of their office, or coming home and their mother asks them to introduce themselves... all are metaphors of an estrangement from the self. The only solution is to become somebody else. Philosophers have argued that our identity is a psychosocial construct, a compromise between what our parents want, what society wants, and what we think we want. Since identity is a construct, it follows that is can be deconstructed. The myth of the divine rights of kings is a perfect example of a deconstructionist attack on a value that was no longer sustainable. Heartbreak is a similar demolition derby of an obsolete identity. The lover, a mirror who used to reflect a positive image of yourself, now reflects nothing, or if it does, it is a tarnished, ugly picture that communicates, "sorry, but you are no longer adequate." The identity built to attract and relate to the partner is a dead cable connector. Heartbreak is such a rough deconstruction that it is felt at first like a death of the self. There is a word for that feeling: alienation, which means a separation from oneself. This book helps you answer the following question: "if I cannot be who I was, who can I become?" Invent, discover, imagine, try, and become that new person. Table of Content CHAPTER 1 BYPASS YOUR SYNAPTIC BUNDLE OF FEAR The three actors in your drama Your crocodile psychology: grab, grip, hit There you are my crocodile! Your puppy psychology: beg, whine, wait. Your regression to a preverbal vulnerability Attachment theories There you are my puppy! The wolf separated from the pack the broken heart syndrome The art of consoling Neuromania and Darwinitis Is it in my genes, my brain or my soul? Becoming a wise human The inner and the outer CHAPTER 2 NEUROSCIENCE AND THE UNCONSCIOUS My life in a copter The end of the behaviorist dominance You can't repair the past The slave complex No ego, no Self, no identity. CHAPTER 3 WHAT YOU MOTHER NEVER TOLD YOU I am a champion procrastinator I am dependent but won't admit it I feel inadequate but cover it with uppityness Unload some projections CHAPTER 4 AH! JEALOUSY Rivalry can be a factor of evolution You don't own the partner Beware of psychic inflation There is a way around jealousy Is it envy or jealousy? CHAPTER 5 RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION The realm of the invisible Heartbreak is a triple loss CHAPTER 6 NARCISSISM: A TREND AND A CURSE The rage of a baby Learn to smell a narcissist The narcissist as a self-loathing individual The narcissist as a self-adoring individual The trophy partner: narcissism by another name Monica, the figid beauty queen The cashmere label
About the Author: Ginette Paris Ph.D. is Emeritus professor at Pacifica Graduate Intitute, in Santa Barbara, California. She teaches and lectures in US, Canada and Europe. Her books have been translated in French, Spanish, Italian, German, Portugese and Russian. Paris's previous book, Wisdom of the Psyche: Depth Psychology after Neuroscience (Routledge 2015) has been acclaimed by Pulitzer nominee James Hillman as "Emotionally personal, immediately useful, surprisingly original, beautifully deep, this page-turning read also turns the page into a new century of psychology."