Dear God, is my version of when they say "Write it down". The thoughts and feelings towards the things that happen in my life; the things I feel when I am down, hurt, lost, confused, scared, worried... Many of you may have your own journals or diaries you use to write how your day went, or, what's going on in your heads, but me, myself, I never understood what the purpose was in writing my feelings down, let alone writing anything down; I just couldn't see how it could help me.
Throughout the years, I have suffered from PTSD, Postpartum, Depression all in it's own, the loss (Miscarriages) of two children, one of which, passed on, with me being seven months into my pregnancy, and yes, I did have to push her, one pound, zero-ounce body out and see her lifeless body and hold her in my arms.
I tell you all this, so you understand a part of myself which had no life inside and not knowing or understanding WHY? I didn't care for too much and I didn't have much feeling inside myself to even want to know why I didn't care about much of anything. I was depressed all the time; I began to turn to drugs and a lot of alcohol (That part of my story will be told on my YouTube page @LET: S GET PERSONAL WITH STEPH) I did not care about my life, this crazy world or anything. I just didn't care.
As the years went by and from surviving all the things which should have had my butt six feet under, I began to question God; you know, mostly the everyday questions of... WHY?... Why am I still here? Why me? Why? Why? Why? Slowly, as those "Why's" turned into answers, I found myself waking up to a world I didn't know I was sleeping through. The more I woke up to reality, the more I realized... I didn't want to be depressed anymore; I was tired of being tired, and most of all... I was tired of being depressed ALL THE TIME.
At that point, I still didn't get the gist of writing my feelings down; again, What was the purpose of a diary? What was the purpose of a journal? I just wasn't feeling it. Until... I started finding myself getting stuck in videos, pictures, words in writing to fathers from their children; videos of fathers loving, caring, and embracing the relationships they have with their children. Watching a movie or video of fathers looking at photos with their children, recalling moments as they tell the story of exactly what happened that day. While everyone is laughing, joking, and enjoying their memories... I sit back in Joy and Sorrow... Joy, because of the beauty I sit back and witness; And, Sorrow, because of the emptiness and heartache I feel of not having a father of the flesh to share those memories. I sit back and think to myself "The only father I have ever had in my life, the only father I have had to help me, guide me, have my back, ease my pain, to chastise me, to be with me daily and never leave me, or let me go is... God and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ".
So now, as I sit here with this amazing inspiration to write, I am writing to my Father whom I need daily. I am writing to Him because, I have learned that with all the why's I have had for Him throughout the years... I have come to learn, that with all of my trials and tribulations... All He wanted, was for me to come to Him as a child would come to his father and just, Talk to Him, acknowledge Him, have faith in Him and for me to tell him how I am feeling and what's going on with me.
Just as a father in flesh may already know what's wrong with his child... Sometimes... Sometimes, he just wants his child to let go of all the pride of wanting to do it all themselves or handle things themselves. He wants his child to come over and talk out their problems, troubles, worries, and concerns with him so that he can help them, and so, he can feel that joy once again as he had when his child was born and was that toddler who followed him around and thought he was know-er of all things in this crazy world.